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I am terrified of being a bad bride. It's one of my deepest fears. I am afraid of being selfish and demanding and petulent, but I am also afraid of playing small, minimizing and depriving myself and Jeff of something or someone we really need. So there is a fair amount of tension around this process. On the one hand I want to take good care of myself in this process-- be true to myself and my vision, but on the other hand I also want to check in with Jeff to be sure we are in line and in communication about the process and the hoped-for results. I want to be cost conscious, which isn't easy when dealing with this industry, but I also don't want to cheat myself out of having something nice or special. It's totally maddening to me. It's also totally my personality either to find or to create a situation where I can't win. If I get the gorgeous flowers that I really want that I think are beautiful and part of my vision, then I can tell myself I am disappointing Jeff by being a spendthrift or irresponsible about cost.

Also, I hate asking for help. I just hate it. I feel afraid to impose on other people. I am afraid they will say yes; I am afraid they will say no. I am afraid of losing control of the process. I am afraid also, however, of having to do everything. I am not even sure what exactly we need help with. We are meeting the florist next Tuesday and having a cake testing next Wednesday. We have almost all of the addresses for the invitations. The tasting for the venue itself isn't until 6 weeks before.

What do I need help with?

I think I mostly need help with all the feelings that are coming up. I need help being available to the love and joy that is coming my way: from J, from my family and friends. I need help slowing down. I need help being in the moment. I need help relaxing and trusting it will all turn out just fine.

I want to see if I can find a calligrapher to do the escort cards or place cards for the reception. I want help finding jewelry for the bridesmaids and the two maids of honor. I want help finding out what kind of food is in Argentina. I want help figuring out a tax issue at work-- any takers on that one? Anyone? Anyone?

I want help letting go of having to be perfect and feeling all the pressure to be skinny, and beautiful and cost conscious and gracious and thoughtful and put together. After all, it's still me, so there is some mess and contradiction and confusion and feelings and pouting and guacamole and accessories and dresses to buy.

I just found an on-line quiz about how to know if you are a Bridezilla:

You Might be a Bridezilla If...
...You wonder why that mean ole mayor is being such a hard ass about a lil ole tickertape parade.
...You think it'd be "really awesome" if the schoolchildren of some country ? oh, say Luxembourg or Canada ? could gather and hold candles and arrange themselves so they spelled out you and your groom's names from above.
...you think it's OK to drain your 401K. After all, what's a little thing like pushing gambling with your security and paying whopping withdrawl penalty when you can have an ice sculpture on every damn table.
...You don't think spray-painting 100 doves gold is the teensiest bit "over the top."
...The Fire Marshal has come to your house to plead with you in person.
...You don't understand why your fiance is being so pig-headed about letting your Chihuahua "Snooky" be his best man.
...Your reception involves speedboats, hot-air balloons, or fireworks.
...Your reception involves camels in any way.
...Your reception involves the Secret Service in any way.
...Your reception involves NASA in any way.
...Your reception involves the Pope in any way.
...you instruct the caterers to never look you in the eye and to always refer to you as "Her Majesty, The Bride."
...your floral arrangements will leave several countries bereft of flora.
... Al Gore calls to say he's concerned your floral needs will affect the Earth's fragile eco-balance.