Weddings for Dummies

Since we got engaged, I have gotten lots of advice about wedding planning and married life. Now that we are in the home stretch-- these last 5.5 weeks that are positively crawling along like rush hour on the Dan Ryan expressway-- I started just asking up front for advice, tips, and experience, strength and hope on the wedding and marriage front. The responses range from cynical to mystical and some of it I am actually going to try to do.

Date night: Today at a client lunch, a man married 10 years suggested that, before everyone arrives in town the week of the wedding, Jeff and I have a date night for just the two of us. He suggested that getting a chance to have a last quiet meal before the deluge of friends, family and festivities overtakes us would be a good idea before we lose a chance to be still together for a few 24 hours. I love this idea. I am making a reservation tonight, and we aren't going to Costco for the chicken bake!

Doggie Bag: Another favorite tip I have heard several times is to have the caterer set aside two meals in doggie bags for us to take home when it's all over. My understanding is that it is hard to sit down and eat a meal after the ceremony because people have flown in from Louisiana, Texas, and Deerfield, IL to be with us so it's kind of rude to sit down and focus on food when we'll all have so little time together. Every bride has told me she ended up sitting in her hotel room starving after the ceremony, so the doggie bag sounds like a better solution than ordering a pizza when we get back to our hotel room.

Don't Pay Attention: The other day I got into a philosophical conversation with Julia, the lovely lady who gave me a manicure. I asked if she had any marital advice, and she demurred, saying that she is not married and plans to stay that way because she likes dating. Likes dating? Clearly, Julia and I are two different species of women. I hated dating because I was too neurotic to relax and maintain my sense of humor about the 137 blind dates I went on, including the meek young fellow who did not have any knee caps and the guy who told me that he hadn't ingested anything except tequila since his mother died. Two years earlier. Um, check please. Anyway, I was bored and Julia had my hands captive, so I asked her if her other clients ever offered sage words about marriage she wanted to pass on to me while painting my nails the perfect shade of Wicked. She said she has a client who has been married over 30 years who swears the secret is to "just not pay any attention." I asked if that meant not attention to her husband, or the bills, or her husband's girlfriends, or what exactly was she suggesting I ignore. Julia said, "everything. Don't pay any attention and it will all be fine."

Dieting: My seamstress told me not to diet and lose weight before the wedding because "it will cost a fortune" to re-alter the dress. Luckily, my love of cheese, chocolate, and assorted dairy products will save me from the financial ruin that would befall me if that damn dress needs any more nipping or tucking.

Don't Ask For More Pro Bono Work: This piece of advice came straight from my groom, who, though seldom stern, seemed positively fascist when I mentioned I was a little slow at work and wanted something more on my professional plate. I mused aloud in his presence about asking for a pro bono assignment to keep life lively and interesting during the daylight hours. Jeff nixed the idea of me getting more work this close to the wedding. Sure enough, I got a little missive from the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals today requesting my presence for an oral argument on December 5, 2008. That little missive just about caused a coronary conniption in yours truly. Once I recovered from the stress spasms, I realized that unless the Court was planning on sitting in Patagonia on the morning of December 5, I was going to have to request another date. I have to say I felt a certain surge of joy informing the Court of Appeals that I wouldn't be at their little chit chat because I would be on my honeymoon. Now, it's public record and I think I like that.