Ambivalence

At the heart of each posting on Bridled With Joy, regardless of the subject matter or heading or picture, each posting is a love letter to Jeff. That's what this is all about for me. It's not your mother's Hallmark card to be sure, but it's the real, honest, nitty gritty, guts of who I am and the only audience I consider very, very carefully before posting is Jeff. And I may have pushed the boundaries of what he feels comfortable with in these here pages, but I would never hesitate for a second if he said, "please, just don't post that." Not one second.

I got in touch this morning with some really painful feelings around the wedding. I would like to think I hit the core, because the pain was flowing like magma. I tried to avoid the subject, but today I stared at the R.S.V.P. response cards issue without blinking, and I'd like to think I am morally superior for having the cahunas to deal with it all instead of smiling like a coked up Stepford Wife.

Here's the background. Sometimes when people plan a wedding, they send out response cards for would-be guests to send back to the bride and groom after indicating if they will attend, and how many will be in their party. It's a genteel process that facilities the subsequent table assignments that the bride and groom make in order to assure that everyone has a seat. Of course it is much more complicated that simply giving everyone a seat. You have to be sure that your rambunctious cousin doesn't end up by his meek Aunt who disinherited him after a little drunken joy ride in the 80s. You can't sit your step-family too close to your other family, and you can't put your officiant by the exit door.

Here's a tip: If you don't want to hear a reason why someone hasn't RSVP'ed to your wedding, do not ask her or him. If you suspect the answer may be painful or induce vomiting from the emotional hit, then do not ask her. Don't ask her on a Monday morning when you have had less than 6 hours of sleep. If you don't want to hear about someone's ambivalence, then do not ask, because you may get an answer or explanation or justification or story and it will hurt. It just will. You can tell yourself you are above it and that the world doesn't revolve around you just because you are going through a rite of passage that is deeply terrifying, miraculous, and meaningful to you-- and one that millions of people do all the freaking time. Go ahead. Tell yourself whatever you want. The truth is that when someone doesn't RSVP in the 6 weeks you gave them to do it, you will never like the answer. Period. Don't play tough girl, because it will look stupid when you start sobbing after trying to act tough. Don't resist the crying, because it may ignite the gag reflex. Don't stop breathing because, honestly, that solution is just too damn short-term.

A definition:

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ambivalence [am-biv-uh-luhns] –noun 1. uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
2. Psychology. the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

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If you have to ask, here's another tip: Bring your Kleen-ex. You will cry. When you hear the reasons why someone does or doesn't want to commit to coming to your November 29th wedding by October 29, you will cry. You should cry. If there are little children around, you can modulate your voice, but by all means, cry.

When I started hearing several of the invitees explain why they hadn't RSVP'ed because they need to have a "process" around coming to the wedding, I felt my hands start to tingle and the room started to spin. I also was shaking uncontrollably, but it's also a cold October morning in Chicago. My favorite "process" was the one where a guest explained that there is an issue of her spouse not liking me, so they have to work through that before committing to the wedding. (That one hurt! Extra tissues for the extra honest friends.) There is the "we can't find a babysitter," or "not sure about travel plans." Whatever it is, I have certainly cried over much less relevant issues-- so this one seems ok to just let it all flow out.

I have been told, and I do believe, that once the day comes, what really matters is that Jeff and I show up, along with Judge Shadur and at least 2 witnesses. We are assured our two witnesses. It hurts that people for whom I would show up for their milestones and important events are less sure about showing up for us. I have no idea when that hurt will heal, and I am not putting presure on myself to heal on any timetable-- there is no RSVP card for my hurt self to respond and say she's all done hurting by November 29th, thank you very much. It hurts today.

The best thing, though, is that Jeff hasn't expressed any ambivalence about marrying me. Even when I begged him to just go to the Dirksen building for a nice, quiet, uncomplicated civil ceremony. He reminded me that our wedding is for us and for anyone else who is capable of showing up with and for us. That's who we will look out and see on November 29th. I will see him and those gathered that are able to resolve their ambivalence about dressing up, or having a date, or traveling to Chicago, or seeing a former lover, or seeing someone who pays them to do work in another context. Those are the people who will be in the circle surrounding us. And if I can focus on them, I will be well served.

In the meantime, I can meditate on my own ambivalence and pray to have an open heart around every single experience I am having around this wedding, regardless of how searing, abusurd, cruel, meaningful, transformative, or corrective.