Houston, We Have a Problem

Something cataclysmic sent seismic waves through my life today and I am positive I will never be the same again. I discovered a little thing called FACEBOOK, and I am so so screwed.

I had no idea. I really honestly had no idea what everyone was talking about when he/she would refer me to to his/her Facebook page if I asked to see pictures of family or for updates. Last night I was waiting for Jeff to pick me up from work-- a long hard day of honest labor as an officer of the court-- and some demonic spirit overtook my body and typed up a profile for me on Facebook. I mean, I am freaking 35 years old! I thought it was for kids in high school or for freshmen in college. Not for professional working women.

Last night I went to bed a little sad that my profile said I had zero friends. I asked Jeff to be my friend, but this morning he hadn't done whatever you need to do to make friends public and I could see that big fat zero in the corner where my hundreds of long lost friends should have gone.

Remember, I am competitive. Zero doesn't really factor into my life scheme. So, all those people who have been telling me for months to get on a Facebook got a sternly worded email from me today telling them to do whatever needs to be done to show up at my friend on my page. It went something like this: "Dude. You told me to sign up for Facebook and I did, but I have no friends. HELP."

Tonight, I am the proud recipient of 6 friend requests, and that's 6 more than I had yesterday so I am pleased at my progress. Also, I got links to my college roommate's friends and saw people I literally haven't come across in DECADES. I never in my life thought I would ever hear the name Matt Moriarity again, but he's now my friend. Maybe once I figure out how to use the site I can send him a message reminiscing about the old Sigma Chi house and the great times we had dancing on the couch and making up skits for Derby Days.

And Jesus, Mary and Moses, could my college sorority sisters have more babies? Each one of them has about 10 children. Their profile pictures are full of children. It's like each one of them is the Houston, Texas version of the Little Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe, with all those damn kids. Except, they aren't little or old or alone. I seriously could not believe the offspring on these Texas ladies. Gorgeous children with names like Ruby and Jack and Dillon and Sam. It was like taking shrooms down memory lane to see those tiny faces of people I used to live in the Kappa Kappa Gamma house with and their little mini me's.

There will be so much more to say about this. I don't even know how the website works. I just know that my college roommate posted something on my "wall" that said, "Watch out for your privacy settings. Right now the whole universe can see your profile." I didn't tell her that I thought that was the whole point. Apparently, it's not. I have so much to learn. Now, I know how McCain and Palin feel.

This whole experience has been an invigorating jolt to my central nervous system. I can't decide if it's for good or evil. We'll see if I can maintain my employment between this blog and Facebook, I am facing some serious distraction obstacles. This could be a bloodbath!