"From scarlet to powdered gold, to blazing yellow, to the rare ashen emerald, to the orange and black velvet of your shimmering corselet, out to the tip that like an amber thorn begins you, small, superlative being, you are a miracle, and you blaze."
- Ode to the Hummingbird, Pablo Neruda
The full version of Ode to the Hummingbird is worth a trip to your local Barnes and Noble bookstore (or local independent one if it still exists) to read and relish. How I came to know about this poem is a story about one of my favorite pre-wedding events.
On Sunday, Krista BB hosted a lovely prayer shower for me, where my friends and spiritual sisters could share blessings, wishes, poems, prayers, and advice for marriage. It was a moving experience. I was blessed with prayers and wisdom from many different religions-- from Neruda, to Judiasm's seven blessings, to a prayer about spirituality being like a bike ride. So much thought and love went into each gift and each thought, that it's been hard to sit down and write about it. I have carried it in my heart and read a different prayer or poem every morning and evening. I have been praying to be worthy of the prayers and worthy of the love that was so generously sent my way.
Last night, I read a packet that Marcia gave me, which included a journal entry from a prisoner who found God after being convicted of murder. I read the prayer before I realized that its author was someone behind bars for taking another's life. His thoughts were about getting honest and living a life that is connected to others through love. I was moved at the thought of someone facing many, many years behind bars striving to improve himself, connect to others, and find a sense of spirituality. I was most impressed about the author's belief that spirituality could be his, even after the events that resulted in him being a prisoner of the state.
The most humbling part about the prayer shower was simply accepting all the gifts coming my way. Mary C surprised me with a gift of 5 scarves, each decorated for a different holiday: Halloween, Thanksgiving, St. Patrick's Day, Christmas, Fourth of July. When asked why she picked that gift, she explained that she once heard me say that I wanted to be a person who celebrated all holidays-- a person who was so available to joy that no holiday would pass without my participation and celebration. That conversation took place on March 17, 2007. And all this time, over 20 months, Mary stored that information away and then gave me such a personal, supportive, and loving gift. The gift that says, "I heard you, I support you, and here's some fun accessories to celebrate your vision."
And you can see why I struggle with feeling worthy of the gifts, right?
And here's the thing. There were certain fantasies around my wedding that seemed so real to me I never once questioned whether it would happen. For example, I was positive that starting two weeks before the wedding (November 15, 2008, for those calendar challenged readers), I would work out every single day. I would work out, and eat "perfectly," and feel perfectly fit and toned and healthy on my wedding day. I had a whole plan in my head about what the day of my wedding would start with, and of course, it was going to start with a spin class or a 5-6 mile run. Who doesn't exercise on the morning of her wedding? But, God had other plans for my wedding morning, which will, as far as I know right now, include hanging out with my sister and Godson Patrick, and bridal caboose rider Mimi, ordering room service and maybe doing a blog entry. It's not what I would have planned, but when God sends me a gift and says, "hey, Sweetie, how about you slow down just a little so you can show up for all things with all of your feelings and energy and joy," I have an annoying habit of listening with an open mind and heart.
So, one more lesson about living in today. I have no idea what will happen in the next two weeks and 2 days. I am hoping I will finalize plans with the band ("absolultely NO Jimmy Buffet and NO Frank Sinatra"), get some decent panty hose and a brown sweater, pack for the honeymoon, figure out the bridesmaids' gift, etc., etc., etc. But, I am not in charge of anything really, I am just along for the ride. I am enjoyin the view and letting someone else steer the course.
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