It's here.

The inability to sleep past 4:30 a.m. The weepiness. Frantic list making in my head. Using core strength to fight off the urge to scream, during a contentious conference call, "Leave me alone! I am getting married in 3 weeks and 3 days!" The impulse to cut my hair into a charming little homemade pixie style. (Think Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted.)

I think that is called being a bride. Seriously. 3.5 weeks? That's nothing.

And while it may be nothing, we hope it's long enough to finish building a closet. Jeff has been enhancing our love nest on the weekends and at night. The enhancement is a huge wall-to-wall closet on our fourth floor where there is presently nothing but an air mattress. I am so thrilled about this new closet and so in awe that Jeff can build it with his own two hands (and videos on the internet) that I am beside myself. Once the closet goes live, I am pretty sure there will be no excuses for not shopping as much as I want. But, come to think of it, I have never used storage as an excuse so it may not change my conspicuous consumption habits one bit.

Remember how far off election day seemed back when we had to watch billions of commercials about politicans endorsing ads and slinging mud? Well, election day and come and gone and now it's November 5th. For the mathematically challenged, that means its 24 days until our wedding. Just yesterday it seemed like 25 days away.

Last night during yoga when I was breathing and practicing existing, I had a vision-- it was literally one tenth of a second-- where I could imagine how I might feel at the wedding. The joy in my vision was nuclear. Remember how scary the nuclear war TV movie, The Day After, seemed in grammar school? Well, that's how potent the Wedding Day bliss seems to me right now. Potent enough to rip the flesh off my body. (Wonder how my dress will look if I have no skin?)

I have spent a little time obsessing and feeling sad that we haven't arranged a videographer. I made one failed attempt to secure services, and then dropped the ball. I think of being curled up on the couch one day with my sons and daughters and showing them the video of mom and dad getting married at this big tent in November 2008. Frankly, it's going to be a little awkward when we snuggle up to watch a video that doesn't exist. The problem is that there is time to get something in place, but I haven't done it. For the 3 day dreams I have had about having little Noah, Riley, and Ezra Ellis sitting on my lap watching the video with organic corn puffs and soy milk out of recycled sippie cups, I could have found a videographer. If I end up never moving from the realm of day dreams to the realm of actually hiring a person to videotape the ceremony, then I guess Jeff and I will just have to act it out for the kids. Maybe it will be an excuse to get the dress out of storage ("in the closet Jeff made right before our wedding, kids") and prance around.

Maybe I am holding on the videographer angst because after that, I really don't have anything else to obsess about. I can't believe I am saying this, but there is nothing else to buy, no one to hire, no service to schedule, no outfit to coordinate. I need to hold on the videographer question for dear life right now, and maintain my grasp for as long as I need to have something to mull over.