Sometimes I feel sad that I am not a more emotional bride. I wonder if I am holding back the joy of the experience as I ponder the details: Where's the rehearsal dinner going to be? What color will the linens be? Where in Patagonia will we go during our honeymoon? . . . on and on, the details have a way of smothering the feelings.
And, then, out of the clear blue sky, I will be struck by deep emotion that surprises me.
Just now I got an email from a nationwide photography company whose work can best be described as cheesy. Somewhere along the way I filled out some form indicating I was a bride, and in an act of sheer lunacy, I submitted not only my email address, but also my cell phone number. I get no less than 3 calls per day inviting me to a bridal expo or to enter a drawing to win free flowers or photography for the wedding. It's like being stalked by an entire industry.
The email I got about 8 minutes ago was from this terrible photography company that calls me once a week. Something (boredom, perhaps?) made me click on the images and in the middle of the treacly collage, there is a picture of a bride dancing with her presumably new husband crying her eyes out. The emotion looks so real and unstaged. Well, guess who was crying at her desk the minute she saw that?
There is emotion in here! I am happy for the tears. There is a place, underneath the stress and pressure and planning where I am very much alive to the experience of becoming willing to be married. There is a place deep inside of me that is soft and trembling and giddy and emotionally available to the meaning of getting married to J.
I want more soul and more feeling and less details. That's my ardent hope for the next 128 days.
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